It’s time. It’s been almost 2 weeks since I’ve been back in the country and almost a month since my study abroad program ended. Tomorrow I move into my apartment for college and begin the festivities of the fall semester. It’s time to write that reflection I’ve been putting off this whole time. The thing is, I didn’t push myself to write it any particular time before because usually I would get this pang of sudden realization and closure and the desperate desire just to write all these feelings down. This summer was a little different though. My farewells were spread out over such a long period of time that it just diluted those intense emotions into manageable, expected doses. For starters, some of the friends I said goodbye to attend the same college as I do so it didn’t really feel like goodbye. When I left CIEE for the last time, I cried, but that wasn’t goodbye to Spain because I’d still be there another two weeks. When I left Spain for Italy it wasn’t goodbye because I knew I’d be back in a mere four days. As I bid farewell to each of my friends, it never seemed like goodbye because I was still in Spain, and we can always Skype. I never properly bid my host family farewell because they didn’t end up waking up in time for my 5am departure (although fortunately they did wake up in time to wave goodbye to me through the balcony). When I said goodbye to Spain for real, that didn’t work out because my flight home got cancelled (scored an amazing Business class flight home though so it’s okay). That really messed with the whole separating Spain and home in my mind thing because I was ready to go home, but then I ended up being stuck by myself in the Madrid airport all day, unsure of how many days it would finally take me to get to my destination. In short, there was no absolute moment where it all ended and my heart just shattered they way it did last summer when I left my study abroad program in Tokyo.

My Besties Ginny, Ali, Steve, Emily, Whitney, and Moz

At first I thought it was weird that the moment never came. I kind of expected to be bawling the whole flight home, but it was just a few tears when I ran across the song “For the Good Times” on the Aer Lingus entertainment system. As I thought about it some more, I realized that maybe I never got that distinct feeling of “end” and “closure” because it didn’t exist. I used to describe my experiences abroad as some sort of a “branch” off of my real path of my life. Going back to my real life caused an abrupt end because I had to leave the branch and jump back into my real life path. But Spain doesn’t feel like a branch. It felt like my life. Maybe I never jumped off that “branch” but rather just extended into and joined it together with my original path. You know why I never really felt like it was “goodbye” to Spain? Because in my heart I knew that it was just “see you later”. I am so certain that I will be back there to live within the next few years that I suppose my heart didn’t feel the need to be so sad. Last summer I bid farewell to my friends and the amazing experience I would never have with them in Tokyo. This summer was different because my attachment was not only to my American friends, but even more so to the culture, the language, the Spanish people, and the life I had there. Tokyo was amazing, but Spain has really grown more within my heart.

My Awesome Spanish Friends Fede, Maky, and Ruchi

This summer, I got everything I wanted to experience and more. I made such amazing friends of both my American program companions and Sevillan natives. I lived with an amazing host family and got along so well with them. My Spanish language ability improved so drastically and I even decided to pursue a Spanish minor. I learned to how to plan trips and travel around Europe. I met people from all over the world while staying in hostels. And above all, living in Europe this summer has gradually remolded me from within and changed the goals and ideals I had for myself. I realized that my life could not be more complete without more traveling and living abroad experiences. Most people in the world enjoy traveling and going on vacation, but my desire surpasses the norm and I feel like I thrive so much when I’m living in other countries–I just never really want to leave (and don’t even miss home all that much). I’ve realized that this dream of sojourning the world as a carefree spirit has an expiration date and is far too important to give up. So I decided that after college I am going to live abroad for 3 years: a year in Europe, a year in Asia, and a year in Australia. I know that doesn’t exactly match up with the pre-professional high-achieving aspirations Schreyer Honors College may have for me, but I have learned this summer to not take life so seriously. Having conversed with so many non-Americans, I have come to realize that other people in the world don’t have such a strict view of the socially acceptable American path to success of “college then maybe grad school then straight to the prestigious profession in which I remain for the rest of my life”, and they get on just fine! Sometimes I feel like we know no other way, and if we don’t follow this strict path, then somehow we may be doomed forever more to poverty and disgrace. But I have seen the true possibility of living and working abroad.

Florence with Whitney

Sunset Over the Tuscan Countryside

I have also learned to not take life so seriously. I’ve realized that I can loosen the reigns a little and have faith that something perfect for me will come along though I may not know what it will be. I have learned that it’s okay to let go of the secure, illuminated path and risk taking one that’s completely a mystery. Right now I still have plans of settling down in a permanent location once I’m ready to start a family, and I would still like to become a Physician’s Assistant and Registered Dietitian, but who knows how three years abroad will change me? Regardless, I’m willing to accept that my life could go in a completely different direction and that’s okay because every step of the way, I will be making the choice that makes me most happy. So be it. As the Spanish say, “Live rich, die poor”.

Business Class Flight Home!!

[Note: This entry was written on Aug 15 but I just took a long time to upload it onto the blog]

Location: State College, PA, USA